"Jerry the Great."

(Via Metafilter.)

Festivus/healthism vs. salami.

Malcolm Alarmo King — a fitness buff/model — didn't like the salami on the menu at Theo Lacy jail in Orange, so he brought a lawsuit, seeking double portions of kosher meals. The Sheriff’s Department didn't want to serve these more expensive meals except as a religious accommodation. King had asserted that his religion was "Healthism." "He’s healthy so he said health and added an ‘ism,’" his lawyer said.

Judge [Derek G.] Johnson pulled King’s lawyer and the prosecutor aside and said he needed a religion to put down on the order to make it stick...

The lawyer came up with "Festivus," and the judge accepted that.

Via ABA Journal, which notes that there won't be an appeal, because the sentence is served.

Which of these is least appropriately called a religion?
	Festivus -- even as "Seinfeld" fiction, it's a holiday, not a religion.
	Healthism -- he just thought of "health" and put "ism."
	Salami -- come on, it's just meat.
	Law -- it's completely made up.
pollcode.com free polls

Which of these is most appropriately called a religion?
	Festivus -- it has rituals and can be practiced.
	Healthism -- people really believe in it and they proselytize.
	Salami -- it's the most believable thing on the list.
	Law -- it has structure, ritual, requires belief, and purports to explain a lot.
pollcode.com free polls

AND: Oddly enough, "law" is winning both polls!

"George Will is like a twelve-year-old girl for Mike Pence. Maybe they should have a sleepover, and George can braid Mike's hair."

From the Daily Kos "Abbreviated Pundit Round-Up."

Bonus cultural reference material:

Jerry: "Elaine, I really don't pay much attention to men`s faces."

Elaine: "You can't find beauty in a man?"

Jerry: "No... I find them repugnant and unappealing."

Kramer (entering): "Hey!"

Jerry (pointing at Kramer): "To wit."

Kramer: "What?"

Jerry: "No, Elaine and I were just discussing whether I could admit a man is attractive."

Kramer: "Hmm. Oh, yeah. I'll tell you who is an attractive man: George Will."

Jerry: "Really!"

Kramer: "Yeah! He has clean looks, scrubbed and shampooed and...."

Elaine: "He's smart...."

Kramer: "No, no I don't find him all that bright."

"Dodge Charger owner upset vehicle crushed by suicidal fall."

Here's a classic 15-minutes-of-fame:

A New Jersey woman is devastated that her precious sports car -- just repaired and fully gassed up -- was wrecked by a suicidal man's 40-story attempted death leap on the Upper West Side.

"I miss it. It's my baby," moaned Maria McCormack, who regrets lending her husband the 2008 Dodge Charger Tuesday for work. "I want to meet [Tom Magill] and say, 'Why? Why my car out of all the cars in the city?' "

It's not that she thinks he has an answer, like he picked her car, she just wants to say "Why? Why?" at him.

"I wonder how he feels now that he made it. Does he feel like an idiot?" said Maria. "I hope he's OK. But I just want to know why."

Well, Magill is in the hospital after having rods inserted in his legs and some operation to "relieve the clotting" in his groin, so maybe you could go over there and interrogate him about whether he feels like an idiot.

If you think this sounds like an episode of "Seinfeld," it's "The Bris":

"Well, I just got the estimate. It's going to cost more to fix that roof than the car's worth... Someone's paying for that damage and it's not gonna be me.... swan dives from twenty floors, lands right on to it. What do I have a bulls eye on there? He couldn't move over two feet? Land on the sidewalk. That's city property. What are the chances, what are the odds? He couldn't do it again if his life depended on it..."

Maria, how does it feel to be George Costanza? 

Fashion-hip women are now dressing like Elaine Benes— the Julia Louis-Dreyfus character from "Seinfeld."

The NYT reports:

Over the years, Elaine has stood out as a beacon of a faded era, in long floral skirts, blazers with padded shoulders and granny shoes with socks. Just about every inch of her skin was covered as if she were photosensitive. Unlike other 1990s series with a more easily imitable style (see “Melrose Place”), “Seinfeld” was decidedly anti-fashion. But now, if you happen upon an old episode, Elaine just looks cool — and of-the-moment....

“The... shirts Elaine wore,” Ms. Louis-Dreyfus said. “They were often very lacey or had a lace inset or a demure collar and were worn underneath something tough, like a leather coat or denim jacket. For a long time, actually, the jacket was mine. It was a Ralph Lauren cowboy jacket with fringe. I have that somewhere. I wonder where that is? That was a lot of the look. And also cowboy boots.”...

How does one explain the head-to-toe Elaine fashion renaissance?... “The look doesn’t come from outer space,” he said. “Girls who were obsessed with micro-minis are now so anti-that, and they’re embarrassed at what they were wearing two years ago. This is a more covered-up look and looking like you have a brain....”

So... very feminine + the relatively masculine = brainy? That may be true. Try it. In fashion. In everything. For women, that is. For men, perhaps... very masculine + relatively feminine = ????.

Jerry Seinfeld attempts to do a comic riff about Lady Gaga giving Mets fans the finger.

Seinfeld was asked about this because the singer was moved to his private box at the stadium the other day:

"This woman's a jerk. I hate her," Seinfeld said. "I can't believe they put her in my box that I paid for! You give people the finger and you get upgraded? Is that the world we're living in now?"

"It's pathetic," he added....

"She's a jerk," he continued. "What is she giving the finger [for]? What's the finger anyway? Speaking of interesting and new, how old is the finger? How did it even get to be the finger?"

This finger incident happened a while back. All he has is "How old is the finger? How did it even get to be the finger?"? That's pathetic. If she'd just given the finger, I would have thought it was interesting to see how Seinfeld gets started working on one of his little what's the deal with that routines. But he's had time.

And, by the way, I remember the subject — "How old is the finger? How did it even get to be the finger?" — being discussed at great length back when the movie "Titanic" came out. It was an important moment in character development when Kate Winslet (as "Rose") gave some guy the finger. Was that an anachronism in a movie set in 1912? But I'm not going to do your research for you, Jerry. You're going on the radio. You've had some time to put some jokes together. Do some research!

"We haven't seen a typo that unfortunate since ... the Moops invaded Spain in the 8th century."

Ha.

Reference video:

Read my... hand.

We'll be looking at her hand forever. She caught us in that hand.

Your assignment today is to practice the expressions in English that use the word "hand" and to make all the snarky comments about Sarah Palin's hand.

Or here, maybe you can do something with this "Seinfeld" dialogue:

Jerry: I know, you told me you like her, everything is going good.

George: No everything is not going good. I'm very uncomfortable. I have no power. I mean, why should she have the upper hand. Once in my life I would like the upper hand. I have no hand-- no hand at all. She has the hand; I have no hand. How do I get the hand?

Jerry: We all want the hand. Hand is tough to get. You gotta get the hand right from the opening.

***

GEORGE: Jerry, let me tell you something, "A man without hand is not a man." I got so much hand I'm coming out of my gloves.

***

NOEL: I ... am breaking up ... with you!

GEORGE: You can't break up with me. I've got hand.

NOEL: And you're going to need it.

That's my favorite "Seinfeld" episode, by the way. And Noel's final line is ... unbeatable.

And: Talk to the hand.

Interestingly, nothing big happened yesterday in the Coakley/Brown race.

I was expecting some shocking, hard-to-deflect shot at Brown. The lack of any dirt to throw is evidenced by the bizarrely lame use of a remark about a curling iron that Scott Brown may either have heard or not:

A video is circulating in which Republican ScottBrown seemingly smiles at a violent, sexist taunt directed at his Democratic challenger Martha Coakley at a rally.

"Shove a curling up HER butt," shouted one attendee off-camera. Brown, holding a bullhorn, seemed to smile and nod in acknowledgement.

Didn't Jerry Seinfeld teach us not to nod and smile at things we haven't heard?

(Kramer's girlfriend starts to mumble out some words, but Kramer's the only one who seems to hear her. Jerry and Elaine both bend forward, trying to hear what she's saying)

ELAINE: What's that?

JERRY: Excuse me?

(She 'talks' some more. Jerry and Elaine still can't hear her. They give up - leaning back in their seats)

JERRY: Yeah.. yeah.

ELAINE: Yep. Yeah..

KRAMER: You know that, uh, Leslie (Points to her) is in the clothing business? She's a designer.

ELAINE: (Interested) Oh?

KRAMER: In fact, she's come up with a new one that is going to be the big new look in mens fashions.. It's a, a puffy shirt. (Leslie mumbles to Kramer) Well, yeah,

it - it's all puffy. Like the pirates used to wear.

ELAINE: Oh, a puffy shirt.

JERRY: Puffy.

KRAMER: Yeah, see, I think people want to look like pirates. You know, it's the right time for it.. to be all puffy, and devil-may-care..

(Leslie starts 'talking', Kramer laughs. Jerry and Elaine have no clue what she's saying. They lean closer)

KRAMER: (Still laughing) That's true.. (Gets up) I'll be right back. (Walks off laughing. Jerry and Elaine are left with the low-talker. A moment passes)

ELAINE: Uh, oh! (Remembers something they could talk about) Jerry's going to be on the "Today" show on Friday.

JERRY: Yeah, that's right!

ELAINE: Yep.. yep. Um, he's promoting a benefit for Goodwill, you know, they, uh, they clothe the poor, and the homeless..

JERRY: (Points at Elaine) And the indigent.

ELAINE: And the indigent, yeah.. I, I do volunteer work for them. I set the whole thing up, and I got Jerry to do it.

(Leslie starts talking. Of course, Jerry and Elaine can't hear her voice)

JERRY: Sure.

ELAINE: Ohh, yeah. Yeah.. yep.

(Leslie talks some more)

JERRY: Uh-huh.

ELAINE: Yep.

JERRY: Yep..

ELAINE: Mmm

That's where Jerry agreed to wear the embarrassing and humiliating puffy shirt on television.

You think you're maintaining your friendly image, but you're nodding at the wrong thing.

Now, there's some hope for the Democrats. Maybe, if Scott Brown goes to the Senate, they can get him to vote for things by not letting him hear what the vote is about, and he'll just nod and smile. Actually, they kind of already do that amongst themselves. They are always voting for things they haven't heard/read... like that 2,000-page health care bill. If they do pass it and we find out what it is, it may be a lot worse than wearing the puffy shirt on TV.

Speaking of not hearing things, the Coakley pushers have specialized in tone-deafness. Obama dissing trucks and so forth. The effort to pin the curling iron remark on Brown is another example of this tone-deafness, because once you bring it up, you bring up what it refers to: a real case where a man raped a baby girl with a curling iron:

The shouter's threat is in reference to a sexual abuse case, covered at length in the Boston Globe, involving a curling iron that critics say Coakley, as attorney general, did not aggressively prosecute.

Here's that article from the Boston Globe:

In October 2005, a Somerville police officer living in Melrose raped his 23-month-old niece with a hot object, most likely a curling iron.

Keith Winfield, then 31, told police he was alone with the toddler that day and made additional statements that would ultimately be used to convict him.

But in the aftermath of the crime, a Middlesex County grand jury overseen by Martha Coakley, then the district attorney, investigated without taking action.

It was only after the toddler’s mother filed applications for criminal complaints that Coakley won grand jury indictments charging rape and assault and battery.

Even then, nearly 10 months after the crime, Coakley’s office recommended that Winfield be released on personal recognizance, with no cash bail. He remained free until December 2007, when Coakley’s successor as district attorney won a conviction and two life terms.

So what's worse: 1. Brown nodding and smiling at something that he possibly heard (which he'd be an idiot to smile at, so only people who already oppose him will infer that he'd heard), or 2. the way Coakley handled the Winfield case?

But it was the last day of the campaign, and something was needed. Falling, you grab onto what you can, and that was it. That was, at best, desperate and pathetic. At worst, it was a tone-deaf reminder of the Coakley's laxity in case of the guilty Keith Winfield case... and, once we are there, we may think once more of her perverse aggressiveness toward the innocent Amiraults.

Ah, but that last desperate day is over. The voting is on, and the time for dredging up dirt is thankfully over.

Lactose intolerance.

Remember when there was an epidemic of claims of lactose intolerance? It was such that there was a "Seinfeld" bit about it:

Jerry: I have never seen one episode of "I Love Lucy" in my life ever.

Donna: That's amazing.

Jerry: Thank you.

Donna: Is there anything else about you I should know?

Jerry: Yes, I'm lactose intolerant.

Donna: Really?

Jerry: I have no patience for lactose. And I won't stand for it. Uhm, I'll be right back. (Goes to bathroom)

You don't hear about lactose intolerance anymore, for some reason. Or I don't. Maybe you do.

Merry Christmas!

"It went over well except for one person who thought it was blasphemous and tried to knock over our Festivus pole."

"He refused to come to the potluck, was forced to, came, ate all the food and left without saying thank you. Grievances were aired about him."

Are you participating in the feats of strength and airing of the grievances?

The "Seinfeld" reunion.

It's the story line of this season's "Curb Your Enthusiasm."

“Doing it with Larry and on his show just seemed like the only possible way it would be fun….We would never do the type of thing that these shows usually do. That wouldn’t be our style. But something like this — that was sillier and a little more offbeat — felt like it might be right for us.”

Paul Shaffer could have played the role of George Constanza on "Seinfeld."

"In his new book.... [he] reveals he was offered the role of George Costanza before it went to Jason Alexander. Seinfeld handpicked Shaffer for the role and told him, 'There’s no audition ... You’ve got the part. Just call us back!' Shaffer never responded — the music man says he was too busy to accept the role."