"why would you leave me and my life in tatters like this and get angrier and angrier to justify it, i feel you missing me and i miss you too..."

"... just come home,. it took a year but i got the sickest townhouse in the village, theres 4 floors, just come home, i pray to god snap out ofit... i love you but your 18 now do NOT allow any guardianship to continue whatsoever! theyll lie to you tell you it 'has' to,. no it doesnt!... i shouldve hooked up in some loveless marriage to a powerful hedgefund guy then youd be safe, im sorry i didnt. for your sake.i love you..."

Marie Antoinette, Anne Boleyn and Lady Jane Grey — "We always seem to get rid of the good dames."

"[Courtney] Love is keen to align herself to these historical figures [who appear on the cover of her new album]. Strong, misunderstood women, all of whom met a grisly end."

Also pictured on the album cover, Courtney herself: "This picture is when I was very skinny - I'm almost six feet tall and at this point I'm about 101 lbs. No drugs, just total neuroses making this record."

6 feet tall and 101 pounds? If you say that's strong, then you will be misunderstood.

These super-skinny people who claim it just happened when they so focused on work. Such dedication to art that they forgot to eat. I've got to suspect they are lying, but if they are not... try writing the diet book about that weight-loss method.

If your suspicion is that Courtney is using drugs, this is a funny sentence: "The 45-year-old says she has been sober for 'seven years' and currently only takes prescription medications." Oh? Prescription medications? Okay? Or... grisly.

(Or, at least, gristly.)

"The name Courtney Love is a way to oppress me."

"We've all decided we don't like her any more ... We love her when she goes onstage, but I don't need her in the rest of my life."

But she's not actually changing her name: "In an e-mail to MTV News, a spokesperson for Love wrote that the quote was taken '100 percent out of context.... She's not changing her name, unless it's to "Courtney Love Mellencamp" or "Big Baby Jesus."'"

That's either amusing or really, really tiresome.

The female female impersonator.

An interesting category, but who would we put in it? Guy Trebay starts with Wendy Williams. (It's an article about Wendy Williams.) But who else? He suggests Phyllis Diller, but then he backs off:

But Diller was a comedian...

(Ahem. Diller lives. Born in 1917 and alive.)

... and so are her spiritual descendants, people like Kathy Griffin and Margaret Cho, women sharp enough and shrewd enough to wade into the cultural scrapheap that is gender and recycle all the trashy signifiers they find there for laughs.

Williams is different, Trebay says, because she's a talk show host.

Like a kooky media divinity, a god in a comic book myth, Williams, 45, is permeable, superpotent and with no observable boundaries. She performs tricks on the air that involve her surgically amplified bosom. She suggests to guests like Omarosa Manigault Stallworth, the confrontational star of “The Apprentice,” that she look into facial fillers to correct the marionette lines that frame her stiff, practiced smile. She vows to keep her audience up to date on her vaginal toning. She cries, but then on television lately it’s hard to shut off the waterworks.

“You just have the audacity and the unmitigated gall to say what you think and let the chips fall where they may,” Williams said.

Nice. But I'm more interested in the general idea of the female female impersonator. The first person who sprang to mind for me is Dolly Parton. And Marilyn Monroe. And then Courtney Love, Madonna, Lady Gaga.

And as long as I'm in YouTube, here's the great Phyllis Diller:



And here she is with Groucho Marx — and she's the one with the drawn-on eyebrows — and here she is with Liberace.

Anyway, the topic for discussion is female female impersonators. And Phyllis Diller. And eyebrows...

"Nobody has ever loaned me money. I mean, I was going to die on a few occasions. Johnny Depp gave me CPR on one."

"That’s as close as I ever got. I was watching that movie where he plays Dillinger, and I was like ‘Motherf***er, I never had myself any JD except CPR."

Yeah, Depp's adorable.

"The first film I worked on was Mommie Dearest. I used to measure people nipple to nipple. The first line I heard from Miss Dunaway was: 'Who is that fat girl in my eyeline?' I was terrified."

I don't really know what "I used to measure people nipple to nipple" means but that seems like an amusing thing to say. To do.

Anyway, the speaker is Courtney Love. Here she is reminiscing about her daughter, Kurt Cobain's daughter, Frances:

"[W]hen Frances was about nine, there was an awards ceremony that Michael Stipe, her godfather, was singing at, and Bono was picking up an award. “Frances was holding Stipe’s and Bono’s hands and she goes, ‘You guys are jealous of each other, aren’t you?’ It was the craziest moment. It was so brilliant. Genius. I was so proud of my child at that moment.”

"Francis wants her own hotel room."

"Who can blame her?"

ADDED: I cut and pasted a misspelling. The girl's name is Frances.

Best & Lohan Scream

Lindsay Lohan and her latest thing, Calum Best, ended up screaming at each other at the Soho Grand on Monday night.

Sources told Page Six the "screamfest" started in the penthouse and ended up in the lobby. "Calum's clothes were torn, and after a few minutes, they got back into the elevator and went back to their room," said one onlooker.

One of Lohan's pals was overheard saying, "All her friends wish Calum would go back to London. He's just using her."

Love-Willis?

Bruce Willis and Courtney Love were spotted together in a Los Angeles nightclub last week, reports Hollyscoop.com

Willis was celebrating his 52nd birthday last Monday night - where Amy Winehouse was performing - and according to reports he enjoyed a passionate kiss with Courtney.

An eye-witness said, "They were full-on making out."

Willis' spokesman declined to comment on the alleged incident, and Love's rep denied any romance saying, "[It was] a quick hi, and then they went their separate ways."

Courtney Love Sued For Not Paying

Courtney Love is being sued by a posh rehab facility for allegedly not paying a very expensive bill stemming from her three-month stay back in 2005, reports TMZ.com

The lawsuit, which first appeared on TheSmokingGun.com, accuses Love of owing Beau Monde International $181,286. According to court papers, Love stayed at their Orange County facility, Beau Monde's Recovery Retreat, from August 25, 2005 through to November 18, 2005. The suit claims that Love paid $10,000 a week after entering, but that was all they ever received.

Beau Monde's Recovery Retreat is a small rehab facility that only has between 3 and 5 clients at a time. Love entered the facility after she was ordered into rehab by a Los Angeles judge, after violating her probation in connection with drug and assault pleas.

Beau Monde International is seeking the money they are owed, plus interest and legal costs.

Reps for Love had no comment.